Narcissistic Personality Disorder

What is a “Flying Monkey”?

The term flying monkey refers to a person who does the narcissist’s bidding to inflict additional torment (spreading gossip, threatening them, painting the narcissist as a victim and the other person the perpetrator),  to the person targeted. They do the dirty work against the person targeted or they purposefully ignore the abuse. These flying monkeys have been trained to support …

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Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Circular Conversations

This past weekend, I was watching my newest guilty pleasure,  reality TV show, Very Cavallari. I know, I know guys. Sometimes you just have to endulge in some fun and I have always been a fan of Kristen Cavallari.  I love her witty banter, style, intelligence, sense of humor, resilient, and sassy personality along with her no-nonsense, had working, starting her own business, boss lady management style. A girl can relate!

As I was binge watching the episodes, I came across an episode where Kristen Cavallari’s main assistant, Brittainy Taylor, was talking to her boyfriend, Jon, in the season 1 episode 6 of “The Uncommon James retreat. I cringed as I watched her try to talk to him about her thoughts and feelings in a sincere way only to have it spun on her. Now Brittainy had been having ongoing relationship issues with Jon throughout the episodes and it was clear that she waited on him hand and foot.  I don’t think she realized that over time it seems he has become controlling and has all of the power.  During these conversations, Brittainy walked away in tears, clearly feeling unheard, and more frustrated than ever with him. Yet, here she is still hanging on to this relationship trying to make it work. Haven’t we all been there at some point where we have invested so much and remember the good guy we fell for in the beginning, but things have changed and you are left grappling with understanding what the heck happened? Brittainy was at that point.

I wanted to shout at the TV to her that what she is experiencing and the traits her boyfriend is showing is those of a narcissist. Which leads me to the point of the post….narcissists use many tactics to “win” as they always have to feel like they are winning. One of the tactics Brittainy’s boyfriend was using is the same pointless circular conversations which wears her down as it always results in the same –he is a wonderful boyfriend and she should feel lucky to be with him and if there is anything wrong in the relationship it is on her. Every time Brittainy attempted to initiate a conversation about her feeling like she is giving more than him and that she is feeling unappreciated and unloved—it always resulted in her feeling like nothing came of it. Brittainy is a very smart girl and she makes some great points as she challenges her boyfriend, but it is clear she is not educated on the red flags and signs that point to you are in a relationship with a narcissist (and it is only going to get worse). He rearranged her words (word salad tactic) and left her feeling more confused then she did at the beginning of the conversation. He wore her down and left her feeling empty and full of guilt and that it was of course all her fault. Jon was using the “word salad” tactic. Check out the episode if you want to apply this knowledge to an example. I have also defined the term for you below:

Manipulative tactic “Word Salad” otherwise known as circular conversations because it never goes anywhere and the conversation seems competitive with the narcissist needing to win, meaningless details and irrelevant facts are thrown in to throw you off, lack of direction or logic, condescending/passive aggressive/taunting comments, vagueness, diversions, blaming, shaming, denial, making uo excuses, the narcissist is painted as either the hero or victim, accusing you of the things they are doing themselves (projecting), inability or unwillingness to acknowledge or see things from your point of view.

 

 

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